Friday, February 27, 2009

A Note from Mama

That I would like to pass on to every living individual capable of understanding these words in any way:

My Girl:
Love yourself unconditionally.
Talk to your Self using words you desire to hear from another's lips.
Treat your Self the way you desire others to treat you.
Love your Self the way you yearn to be loved.
Honor your whole Self as you wish to be honored.
Sound Difficult? Just remember who you are, that you deserve it ALL - and the most powerful resource you have is within.
WALK TALL my Girl... and other's who do the same will come your way.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Bug In the Mirror!

Attention World:

The part of me that was open to disrespect and mistreatment is now closed forever.

Every day I see myself a little more for who I am capable of being. I Am My Best Self. And with each new experience, my best self keeps getting better.. and always will!

I am not someone who needs to take disrespect and dishonor from anyone. I can say no. I do stand my ground. And I reject anything less than what I deserve.

Hello world! My eyes may still be slightly swollen from the tears of last night, but I am seeing my reflection so much clearer.

When you are disrespected and then left in the dust, you have a choice. You can be abandoned, broken, victimized and alone. Or you can recognize that newfound strength it took to reject mistreatment, and seize the opportunity to walk on your own two feet.

Thank Life for seemingly devastating experiences. How would I make these leaps in my self-awareness without them? How else would I know my own strength?

What she said.

Listen. I say so.

Monday, February 23, 2009

I am NEVER changing my last name. (again...)

My ethics teacher: very well educated, intelligent, opinionated professor. Articulates himself well and will show you exactly where you are going wrong when you get confused. Other than getting his lectures across and understood, very disinterested in his students individually. I absolutely respect but am absolutely intimidated by this man.

When I went into class today he pulled out the big stack that was our mid-term papers. I was immediately full of that combination of excitement and anxiety that I get whenever I'm about to see me work judged by someone I respect and who knows the subject well. First thing he says:

"Strange statistical fact, almost all of those whose last names start with an 'h' did really well."

So I'm excited but thinking I could be the one person that made that "almost all" instead of all... He starts handing them back and I see other people have notes and scribbles all over every page. Pencil marks and notations, lines through their words, etc. Anxiety building.

He calls my name and hands me my paper looking almost identical to when I turned it in, save for a check in the margin here and there (that he presumably made as he progressed through the paper). Then, at the very end "Well written and argued; good structure. A"

I literally almost cried... but then I remembered I was in the middle of class and that people don't get emotional in class over silly mid-terms.. usually.

That feeling of having my work regarded as not only worth-while, but well-done by someone whom I respect and admire...

I wish I could just trap that feeling in a bottle somehow to have and to hold forever. Something from which I can take a good deep breath when I'm feeling overwhelmed and unsure of myself. This head-swelling feeling is one of my favorite experiences. Period.

A quick quote before class:

Or 2:

"Most people... take refuge in theory and think they are being philosophers and will become good in this way, behaving somewhat like patients who listen attentively to their doctors, but do none of the things they are ordered to do. As the latter will not be made well in body by such a course of treatment, the former will not be made well in soul by such a course in philosophy."


"We must not follow those who advise us, being men, to think of human things, and, being mortal, of mortal things, but must, so far as we can, make ourselves immortal, and strain every nerve to live in accordance with the best thing in us."

-Aristotle.... as translated by... someone........

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Why am I such a (married) nut?

'Cause I can be! That's why!

But really, I was thinking today... Why did I feel the need to not only privately/psychologically solidify my commitment to my "morally virtuous hexis," my "education," to myself, but why the need to write it out, describe it as a marriage, and announce it to the world?

Because I am a fluid, ever-changing being who, if nothing else, wants to maintain my adventurous, motivated, passionate attitude toward my life.

I tend to struggle with people, with relationships, with loneliness, with commitment. My insecurity in these areas all too often detracts drastically from my education and my overall emotional state. Potential romantic relationships (or not even potential sometimes, but mere daydreams of them) can be particularly crippling. Then, when I am actually faced with them in my reality, I am only comfortable with the commitment for a short period of time, and almost always only if I make it known that it will probably not last in the long run. Why?

I just noticed that I have done this with the last.. oh.. why count? Every person I have dated, pretty much, since my divorce in '06. "Great, I love being with you... just know I'm moving 800 miles away in a few months.... just know I'm moving god knows where and won't take you with me when I finish my bachelor's.... just know I don't think it will work out in the long run..."

Why do I do this? Well I could go in a million different directions (psycho-)analysing myself there, but I think I'll start with my hexis, since it is the one and only strong, positive heart pumping extraordinary life into my being. I have seen more friends and meet new people all the time with incredible foundational hexis potential who absolutely sabotage themselves into despair, forcing their arteries shut. My hexis has been threatened in such a way before by my own naive choices. Luckily, I made it out alive. But I will not go back. I will not do that to myself again.

But a life and/or choices based in fear will only guide you downward. Fear of putting my hexis in compromising positions only confines me within a narrow safety zone, preventing the very adventure that I seek. So what is the solution?

Correct myself in thinking that my hexis is something so fragile. It is only fragile if I allow it to grow weak. So I take that deep fear of being committed to another person, to both having and not having important people in my life, to stability and unchange, and find my foundation. I need other people in my life, but I can not stand and look them in the eye until I can stand on my own two feet. By psychologically, publicly, symbolically, and officially binding myself to it for life, I commit myself to live a life inseparable from my hexis, from that power and potential within myself. No matter what I come across, this will still be within me. No one can take that away.

So where does this get me in the realm of human relationships? Well I can't tell you for sure yet, and probably won't be able to give you an absolute answer until I am on my deathbed. But I will say that by committing myself in such a way, I am necessarily rejecting my fear of what may be and what isn't between myself and other people. This attitude is not conducive to and could never be a product of my healthy hexis.

Yeah, ok, so I reject my fear! Ain't I tough? I know it's not that easy. Loneliness and human interaction can be a complex, confusing, liberating, devastating, revolutionary thing. And I plan to thrive to tell about it!

I am displaying all this publicly because

1. Making it public, seeing it in words outside of my head, creating it as an actual empirical experience, makes it all the more real to me. Kind of a psychological trick on myself. Like that wedding video that (successful, healthy) couples watch on their anniversary that allows them to reflect on where they started, why they said "I do," and just how far they've come.
2.Also, fully realizing how nutty I sound saying that I am married some Greek term that no one knows the meaning of, I have done this to put out there that this is not only possible, but a necessary step to wiggle your way into the life of your dreams. Recognize your deep, possibly very repressed, seemingly childish curiosity. Let it grow into strength and ambition. allow it to devour your entire disposition/mentality. Commit yourself to it, to a life of continuous curiosity, adventure, introspection, and growth. To a life, as the great DeeGoddess would say, of eating frogs. Regardless of where you stand in your life, this is achievable. The day you realize your inner virtuous hexis and begin to nurture it, thereby nurturing your best self, this is the first day of the rest of your life!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Announcement: I am married!

Declaration of Marriage:

I have decided to announce that I am married!

Avec qui ? Pas qui, mais quoi !

This is a relationship that has been growing for several years. Technically you could say all my life.

Who’s heard of that good-ol’ Greek term hexis? Good luck trying to translate it. People have been arguing about it for as long as Aristotle’s work has been translated into different languages. What I take it to mean is an over-all stable disposition of living actively. To Aristotle, moral virtue is a hexis; one where the individual lives by active deliberation, lives conscious of the world and life around him/her as well as participating in introspection (as opposed to being oblivious, unconcerned, and/or ignorant of the majority of what is within and/or without the self). All these things result in the betterment of the individual. Knowledge and wisdom are acquired, virtues are strengthened, efficacy as an individual is improved both in the context of society and within the context of one’s personal abilities and goals.

I am married to my morally virtuous hexis.

For those of you who are unable to grasp what I mean by hexis:

I am married to my education.

Not just formal, socially structured education, as in going to school (that too though) but the over-all education (meaning gaining of knowledge, growth as a fluid ever-changing, ever-evolving individual).

As in every marriage, my relationship with this hexis, and my work to build a life with it, is and will always be my number one priority. This hexis will always come before all else. I will love, honor, cherish and protect this hexis, as I know it will love, honor, cherish, and protect me in return.

Due to the nature of this relationship, it must necessarily be polyamorous… not in the sense that I’ll be fucking hexis and other people, that’s just silly. But that other relationships of all shapes and sizes, the “with who” relationships, will be absolutely necessary. This is for two reasons: 1) Because not only is my hexis strengthened with the experiences of knowing other people with (and perhaps without) their own unique hexis, but that I hope to be able to experience this marriage with another individual, sharing the wonders of such a life with each other. And 2) because although this marriage will have an incredible impact on my life, it only gains significance if it is able to touch, in any way, more and more lives outside my own.

During my relationship so far with this hexis, I have already experienced how others can support, encourage, and benefit my adoration and devotion. I have also already, especially recently, experienced how my adoration and devotion has touched the lives of others: those that have come into my life long enough for them to at least be inspired, if not enabled to recognize their own “morally virtuous hexis,” and are motivated to find out just what happens when their potential, their passion, and their energy are put to good use together.

I have also discovered that there are people and situations that try and try and try to destroy my deep commitment. I don’t usually recognize the person or context as such right away. When I do, sometimes it’s as easy as recognizing it and changing my perspective, or turning on my ipod and not listening; sometimes it’s as difficult as breaking with someone whom you thought to be your best friend for years and whom you have loved whole-heartedly.

Long story short, as in any marriage, I must be selective in how I allow the world and the people therein to affect me and my relationship. Anyone who doesn’t understand and detracts from my commitment will be expelled from my life, as much as I can possibly judge them so. Anyone who at least tries to understand my undying love is welcome to join me in this adventure called life to see what we can find and figure out, learn and contribute together.

As many of you know, I recently got a new tattoo. This symbol is a mark of my commitment, devotion, and ability to remain everything I’ve just described.

Due to completely thorough socialization, I may even feel compelled to wear a ring on my left ring finger.

In the words of Dido:

“I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be”