I'm a Petite Cute Li'l TIMEBOMB OF FURY AND PASSION

I would like to invoke the words of Kidneythieves for this one:

Arsenal
Naive little pieces of
What they tried to teach her
Quiet and protected
Slightly anorexic
(She Waits)
She's a time bomb, with her vibe on
She's gonna use it and surprise them
She's a time bomb, with her vibe on
They'll never know where she got her weapon.
They really don't believe her
She keeps it all a secret
Found the Golden Muses
Doesn't need to prove it
(She Waits)
She's a time bomb, with her vibe on
She's gonna use it and surprise them
She's a time bomb, with her vibe on
They'll never know where she got her weapon.
Naive little pieces
She thought that they could see her
But soon the Desert Pigs will know
She's holding in an arsenal.
(She Waits)
She's a time bomb, with her vibe on
She's gonna use it and surprise them
She's a time bomb, with her vibe on
They'll never know where she got her weapon.
She Waits.

This is something that has boggled me for years, but that I am just beginning to become conscious of. Whenever someone refers to me as "cute" or "skinny" or makes a comment about how I "shouldn't pick up that dog! He weighs like X pounds!" I get a little confused. Not offended, necessarily, just confused. Am I really that little? I don't feel that little... I sure as hell don't feel as fragile, weak, frail, or infirm.

Then I'll catch myself in the mirror.. not every time I look in the mirror... but at just the right moment and angle I'll catch a glimpse of this tiny little girl in the mirror. She has long thin arms and legs, a tiny little waist, cute but insubstantial little butt and boobs. She looks just like me but that can't possibly be me.

Call in vanity, but I have always felt like I could move mountains (um.. so to speak). Dream it up and I am capable. Physically, intellectually, whatever. Of course we all have both our off days and our reality checks. I, after all, can NOT lift a million pound half dog/half hippo. I can't after all sit down and read Nietzsche's The Birth of Tragedy overnight with ANY understanding (I'd be willing to be that there aren't more than maybe 2 or 3 people in human HISTORY that could read Nietzsche overnight and have a full understanding). I can't take one term in French as suddenly speak if fluently.

But I CAN lift like a 70 pound dog (not saying I necessarily should...). I CAN decipher Nietzsche and many other philosophers and other theorists if given the time. I CAN and AM continuing to learn French and look forward to refreshing my Spanish, continuing with the little tiny bit of modern Greek that I started with, and looking into many other languages.

But it's obvious that at least a part of what people see in me is this small and fragile girl. I glimpse her in the mirror once in a while and am even overtaken by her on the occasional days that I feel lost, confused, and absolutely stuck.

So Who Is She?

Hm.... who says I have to have all the answers now? I've at least identified this part of me and why I get this slightly off and uncomfortable feeling whenever people refer to my apparent fragility.

To be continued.......