A Note from Mama

That I would like to pass on to every living individual capable of understanding these words in any way:



My Girl:
Love yourself unconditionally.
Talk to your Self using words you desire to hear from another's lips.
Treat your Self the way you desire others to treat you.
Love your Self the way you yearn to be loved.
Honor your whole Self as you wish to be honored.
Sound Difficult? Just remember who you are, that you deserve it ALL - and the most powerful resource you have is within.
WALK TALL my Girl... and other's who do the same will come your way.

The Bug In the Mirror!

Attention World:

The part of me that was open to disrespect and mistreatment is now closed forever.

Every day I see myself a little more for who I am capable of being. I Am My Best Self. And with each new experience, my best self keeps getting better.. and always will!

I am not someone who needs to take disrespect and dishonor from anyone. I can say no. I do stand my ground. And I reject anything less than what I deserve.

Hello world! My eyes may still be slightly swollen from the tears of last night, but I am seeing my reflection so much clearer.

When you are disrespected and then left in the dust, you have a choice. You can be abandoned, broken, victimized and alone. Or you can recognize that newfound strength it took to reject mistreatment, and seize the opportunity to walk on your own two feet.

Thank Life for seemingly devastating experiences. How would I make these leaps in my self-awareness without them? How else would I know my own strength?

I am NEVER changing my last name. (again...)

My ethics teacher: very well educated, intelligent, opinionated professor. Articulates himself well and will show you exactly where you are going wrong when you get confused. Other than getting his lectures across and understood, very disinterested in his students individually. I absolutely respect but am absolutely intimidated by this man.

When I went into class today he pulled out the big stack that was our mid-term papers. I was immediately full of that combination of excitement and anxiety that I get whenever I'm about to see me work judged by someone I respect and who knows the subject well. First thing he says:

"Strange statistical fact, almost all of those whose last names start with an 'h' did really well."

So I'm excited but thinking I could be the one person that made that "almost all" instead of all... He starts handing them back and I see other people have notes and scribbles all over every page. Pencil marks and notations, lines through their words, etc. Anxiety building.

He calls my name and hands me my paper looking almost identical to when I turned it in, save for a check in the margin here and there (that he presumably made as he progressed through the paper). Then, at the very end "Well written and argued; good structure. A"

I literally almost cried... but then I remembered I was in the middle of class and that people don't get emotional in class over silly mid-terms.. usually.

That feeling of having my work regarded as not only worth-while, but well-done by someone whom I respect and admire...

I wish I could just trap that feeling in a bottle somehow to have and to hold forever. Something from which I can take a good deep breath when I'm feeling overwhelmed and unsure of myself. This head-swelling feeling is one of my favorite experiences. Period.

One must remain commited to be truly free! ...What?

Juuuuust a quick note during my break from homework:

First, a quote:
"It takes a deep commitment to change and an even deeper commitment to grow." -Ralph Ellison

That commitment MUST be made to and for yourself, because it must be you that makes the effort and it is in you that the results are manifest.

An example of the former can be made of quitting smoking. It takes a deep commitment to yourself to succeed in quitting. This commitment must be to yourself because it involves nothing outside of you to have the willpower to quit and it is your habit and no one else's that you are changing. When a commitment of the sort is made to someone outside of you, you are not likely to succeed. If you do succeed, the results aren't likely to stick.

The latter, that thing they call personal growth, is a smidge more complicated. As I see it, personal growth involves expanding our not only knowledge, but understanding of no one else but our very own selves. My personal growth involves me working to gain knowledge and a better understanding of no one else but me, which allows me to tighten a few screws, make some alterations where necessary, and continue to evolve as an individual. This journey takes tremendous commitment to yourself.

To be committed to yourself in any way requires knowing at least in what direction you want to move forward in (which usually involves having a fairly well defined idea of a desired end), believing that you are capable and deserving of becoming "better" (however you've chosen to define "better"), want it bad enough to be willing to undertake all the challenges necessary to accomplish your goal, and practicing unfaltering honesty with yourself in all of the above.

The commitment for growth is more of a mentality and way of life that one (but not all) develops. That is NOT to say that it is not something, like all commitments, that has to be renewed, reevaluated, reestablished, etc over and over and over again.

Over the years I have developed a standard for respect of other people that includes some level/variation of this mentality. Until now, I haven't been able to fully articulate this, but I am just beginning to see a pattern in my recent years of behavior that signifies the development of this standard. I have repeatedly gotten into relationships, friendly and romantic, which I try and try and try to make work only to reject the individual because, though I couldn't put my finger on it, I just wasn't satisfied somehow. Because I have not been conscious of my tendency to judge whether or not other people have this mentality, I dive in only to eventually find that I cannot develop some form of respect for them.

Well kids the blond finally gets it. Now the question that remains is this: Does this crystallization of my already existent intuition offer a short-cut to the path of being able to surround myself with only those that can positively influence and support me and that can be positively influenced and supported by me? Or does this newly recognized standard of mine exclude people that should/would be important to my life?

If the first option is the case, I am faced with the challenge of cleansing my life of those that lack/reject the aforementioned mentality, which is not an easy task. There's a fine line here between being a judgemental bitch and a wisely selective individual looking out for her own wellbeing. Also, as experience has already informed me, cleansing your life of those whom you have loved, but whom you no longer can respect is a painful process.

If the second option is the case, then clearly I need to reevaluate my standards and how I see people.

So where do I go from here?

Just a quick note...

About how wonderfully full of wonderful li'l notes this week has been. This is kinda sorta maybe a bit of a copykat blog to msGoddess' recent "Magically Funkalicious" blog.. but I happen to have had several magnificent emails and notes from people this week too.

I have had the privilege of meeting some incredible people in my life. I'm still learning which ones are really incredible... but when I receive updates from people that I don't get to talk to very often that both inform me of their growth, progress, and life passion, and also how high they regard me for mine, and are inspired by me to continue to fight for their Everything. iGoddess stated it so well in the blog mentioned above: "phenomenal compliment(s)...and that i know it's true only makes the compliment that much more powerful."

And that I have people like this in my life, even if I don't get to talk to them on a frequent basis, inspires and motivates me to continue to live my life of trying almost anything, accomplishing everything I possibly can, and being everything I'm capable of being.

*sigh*

Time for fabulous dreams :)

Nothing without authoritative blessing!

I always hated the idea of a man asking a woman's hand in marriage.. .and still do. It symbolizes that passing on of property from one man to another. One reason I walked alone down the isle.

But what ever happened to getting your family's blessing? Sure, part of it also corresponded to that idea of property... but the other part of it signified a family's approval of the match. Whether it be because if would improve the family's name, politically, brought money into the family, simply was a good match of characters for the new couple to be partners capable of building a great life together, etc.

I think that last part is important. It seems that if you're going to make a decision like that, it would be extremely helpful to get your friends' and family's so-called blessing. Not necessarily for a dogmatic answer on whether or not the relationship will or won't work and what actions you should take... But i think that sharing our perspectives is incredibly helpful.

How many stories have you heard of the marriage that lasted about a day and a half because the couple was head over heals for each other (NRE), got married on impulse, and realized it was a huge mistake? (or some variant of that story) Would the outside perspectives of the individuals closest to the bride and groom not be useful in this situation?

Or someone who is impulsive because they're so lonely, they jump into all sorts of relationships, or one very long-term one... it's easy to be blinded by loneliness. Easy to be blind when you're starving for partnership. But when you're blind, how can you see whether the relationship you're jumping into is the solution to your problems? You're close friends and family members may not have the absolute answers to every situation, but we should never take what they have to say for granted.

Hell, think of where'd I'd be if I'd listened to everyone that found out when I was engaged... "I guess everyone has to have their first."

But not only do we take this much needed advice for granted, even dismiss it without due deliberation all too often, but most people are too hesitant to share it. There are definitely distasteful ways to shove your opinions in other people's faces, but there are very helpful, constructive ways to share your perspective with the people you love. Maybe it's best to wait to be asked for it...

I was just thinking about how nice it would be sometimes to be able to step out of my own consciousness into a more objective view of my situations and take a look around. This made me think of getting your parent's blessing for marriage.... which made me think of getting the people closest to you's blessing when you might be making decisions while oppressive objects are obstructing your view.

Just a ramble.

Homework time.

I'm a Petite Cute Li'l TIMEBOMB OF FURY AND PASSION

I would like to invoke the words of Kidneythieves for this one:

Arsenal
Naive little pieces of
What they tried to teach her
Quiet and protected
Slightly anorexic
(She Waits)
She's a time bomb, with her vibe on
She's gonna use it and surprise them
She's a time bomb, with her vibe on
They'll never know where she got her weapon.
They really don't believe her
She keeps it all a secret
Found the Golden Muses
Doesn't need to prove it
(She Waits)
She's a time bomb, with her vibe on
She's gonna use it and surprise them
She's a time bomb, with her vibe on
They'll never know where she got her weapon.
Naive little pieces
She thought that they could see her
But soon the Desert Pigs will know
She's holding in an arsenal.
(She Waits)
She's a time bomb, with her vibe on
She's gonna use it and surprise them
She's a time bomb, with her vibe on
They'll never know where she got her weapon.
She Waits.

This is something that has boggled me for years, but that I am just beginning to become conscious of. Whenever someone refers to me as "cute" or "skinny" or makes a comment about how I "shouldn't pick up that dog! He weighs like X pounds!" I get a little confused. Not offended, necessarily, just confused. Am I really that little? I don't feel that little... I sure as hell don't feel as fragile, weak, frail, or infirm.

Then I'll catch myself in the mirror.. not every time I look in the mirror... but at just the right moment and angle I'll catch a glimpse of this tiny little girl in the mirror. She has long thin arms and legs, a tiny little waist, cute but insubstantial little butt and boobs. She looks just like me but that can't possibly be me.

Call in vanity, but I have always felt like I could move mountains (um.. so to speak). Dream it up and I am capable. Physically, intellectually, whatever. Of course we all have both our off days and our reality checks. I, after all, can NOT lift a million pound half dog/half hippo. I can't after all sit down and read Nietzsche's The Birth of Tragedy overnight with ANY understanding (I'd be willing to be that there aren't more than maybe 2 or 3 people in human HISTORY that could read Nietzsche overnight and have a full understanding). I can't take one term in French as suddenly speak if fluently.

But I CAN lift like a 70 pound dog (not saying I necessarily should...). I CAN decipher Nietzsche and many other philosophers and other theorists if given the time. I CAN and AM continuing to learn French and look forward to refreshing my Spanish, continuing with the little tiny bit of modern Greek that I started with, and looking into many other languages.

But it's obvious that at least a part of what people see in me is this small and fragile girl. I glimpse her in the mirror once in a while and am even overtaken by her on the occasional days that I feel lost, confused, and absolutely stuck.

So Who Is She?

Hm.... who says I have to have all the answers now? I've at least identified this part of me and why I get this slightly off and uncomfortable feeling whenever people refer to my apparent fragility.

To be continued.......