Why am I such a (married) nut?

'Cause I can be! That's why!

But really, I was thinking today... Why did I feel the need to not only privately/psychologically solidify my commitment to my "morally virtuous hexis," my "education," to myself, but why the need to write it out, describe it as a marriage, and announce it to the world?

Because I am a fluid, ever-changing being who, if nothing else, wants to maintain my adventurous, motivated, passionate attitude toward my life.

I tend to struggle with people, with relationships, with loneliness, with commitment. My insecurity in these areas all too often detracts drastically from my education and my overall emotional state. Potential romantic relationships (or not even potential sometimes, but mere daydreams of them) can be particularly crippling. Then, when I am actually faced with them in my reality, I am only comfortable with the commitment for a short period of time, and almost always only if I make it known that it will probably not last in the long run. Why?

I just noticed that I have done this with the last.. oh.. why count? Every person I have dated, pretty much, since my divorce in '06. "Great, I love being with you... just know I'm moving 800 miles away in a few months.... just know I'm moving god knows where and won't take you with me when I finish my bachelor's.... just know I don't think it will work out in the long run..."

Why do I do this? Well I could go in a million different directions (psycho-)analysing myself there, but I think I'll start with my hexis, since it is the one and only strong, positive heart pumping extraordinary life into my being. I have seen more friends and meet new people all the time with incredible foundational hexis potential who absolutely sabotage themselves into despair, forcing their arteries shut. My hexis has been threatened in such a way before by my own naive choices. Luckily, I made it out alive. But I will not go back. I will not do that to myself again.

But a life and/or choices based in fear will only guide you downward. Fear of putting my hexis in compromising positions only confines me within a narrow safety zone, preventing the very adventure that I seek. So what is the solution?

Correct myself in thinking that my hexis is something so fragile. It is only fragile if I allow it to grow weak. So I take that deep fear of being committed to another person, to both having and not having important people in my life, to stability and unchange, and find my foundation. I need other people in my life, but I can not stand and look them in the eye until I can stand on my own two feet. By psychologically, publicly, symbolically, and officially binding myself to it for life, I commit myself to live a life inseparable from my hexis, from that power and potential within myself. No matter what I come across, this will still be within me. No one can take that away.

So where does this get me in the realm of human relationships? Well I can't tell you for sure yet, and probably won't be able to give you an absolute answer until I am on my deathbed. But I will say that by committing myself in such a way, I am necessarily rejecting my fear of what may be and what isn't between myself and other people. This attitude is not conducive to and could never be a product of my healthy hexis.

Yeah, ok, so I reject my fear! Ain't I tough? I know it's not that easy. Loneliness and human interaction can be a complex, confusing, liberating, devastating, revolutionary thing. And I plan to thrive to tell about it!

I am displaying all this publicly because

1. Making it public, seeing it in words outside of my head, creating it as an actual empirical experience, makes it all the more real to me. Kind of a psychological trick on myself. Like that wedding video that (successful, healthy) couples watch on their anniversary that allows them to reflect on where they started, why they said "I do," and just how far they've come.
2.Also, fully realizing how nutty I sound saying that I am married some Greek term that no one knows the meaning of, I have done this to put out there that this is not only possible, but a necessary step to wiggle your way into the life of your dreams. Recognize your deep, possibly very repressed, seemingly childish curiosity. Let it grow into strength and ambition. allow it to devour your entire disposition/mentality. Commit yourself to it, to a life of continuous curiosity, adventure, introspection, and growth. To a life, as the great DeeGoddess would say, of eating frogs. Regardless of where you stand in your life, this is achievable. The day you realize your inner virtuous hexis and begin to nurture it, thereby nurturing your best self, this is the first day of the rest of your life!